How do I announce my engagement to my disapproving father?

Well, to start off, my amazing boyfriend whom I love unconditionally has just proposed! I am so excited...but sadly I'm also feeling pretty anxious, because now we have to announce it. A few close family members and my best friend already know, and they support us 100%. HOWEVER---it's telling my parents that worries me...They have never had much faith in me, and when I say they, I mean my dad. He and I are pretty much always bashing heads, always arguing. You could say we bring out the worst in each other. He thinks I'm a foolish, manipulative child, and I think of him as a controlling, paranoid, very bitter old man...Harsh I know...But he just doesn't know how to deal with his children growing up. He has NO IDEA on how to communicate. If I talk calmly to him, he thinks I am mocking him. Worst thing is, is that he knows exactly what buttons to press to make me snap. It is extremely frustrating. My older sister went through the same thing when she moved out and got married. She always said that her relationship with our dad was like the Cold War. Mine however, is like Iraq. Never a moments peace. He also doesn't like my boyfriend at all. My boyfriend is in the Army, and my dad, who was an officer in the Navy for many years, immediately placed negative stereotypes on him...It's so ridiculous how those old military rivalries actually are taken seriously...


So I guess I'm back to my question: How do I tell them? How do I deal with my father? I'm worried that we won't be on speaking terms for several years. I'm worried that they won't help us at all with our wedding, and they'll be very poor sports, or that they won't come at all!!!





Oh, and please nothing about how if I'm terrified to tell my parents I'm not mature enough to get married---you would be terrified of my father too. He's scarier than the devil.How do I announce my engagement to my disapproving father?
Tell him in a note if you must but I would make the engagement short so that you don't have to deal with his bad mood for too long. It'll make it easier on your mom, too, I bet.





Plan with the intentions that your parents will not attend or help with the wedding. Then you won't be disappointed. Do make sure you record the wedding, take pictures of your dress, etc for your mom. It sounds like they have a domestic violence or other co-dependence - like relationship. I'd get myself into counseling to deal with the issues you have had to face living with them. There relationship does not seem healthy - dad is way too stern and mom is a pushover to maintain the peace.... not good.How do I announce my engagement to my disapproving father?
My father's old school Italian....do NOT tell me about scary parents! You just have to grow a backbone and spit it out! If you can't, you don't want to get married. Simple as that!
I understand problems in the parental relationship all too well. I had some anxiety over announcing the news as well, but was greatly relieved when it was out there.





So, the big question is, do you want to maintain a relationship with your parents or could you care less?





If you want to keep the relationship, marrying this guy isn't going to go over well at all. The news might ruin the relationship you have with your father. Be prepared. You will then be making the choice between your father and your partner, but remember who is forcing you to make that choice.





If you don't care to keep your father in your life, just tell him casually, seems the phone might be your best bet, and be prepared to handle any over-reactions. Don't defend yourself, don't justify your actions, just say ';I'm sorry you feel that way.'; and end the conversation with that.





I chose to tell my mom over the phone while she was working knowing with co-workers in earshot she would be less likely to say something rude or to try to bring me down and it worked, for the most part. She wasn't enthusiastic, but I never would have expected that much anyhow. Perhaps you could work out something similar to soften the blow, so to speak.
You don't mention your mother in this. Is she also opposed to your boyfriend? If not speak to her about it ... maybe she can offer some suggestions. But I wouldn't count on their help with a wedding or even their attending. And if he decides no to speak to you for years, well he's a childish person and it's his loss. I guess sailors are as wimpy as they say they are! LOL I'm just kidding. My husband was a Marine.





Why not just plan a small wedding? Or just go to the city hall. To me that would be less stressful than worrying about how a parent will act at a wedding!!
How can you get a military man to do anything, but you say he knows your weak spots, so suck it up old girl and make up your mind you will not let him push them. Just tell them flat outand don't act scared, present him with something already formed in cement. To what little knowledge a military man respects courage and would rather have you (excuse me) but spit right in his eye before cowering before him. And I bet your Mom in private has got his number down pat, he doesn't just want you to know it. He is after all under the uniform an all that sputter, just a man, just a father, and he may be having trouble losing you (and no man weill ever be food enouh for his child) Have fiance have his uniform on and, present a united front and tell fiance' to give


as good as he gets only nicely and I think---I am by no means an expert----father may take it better than you think, And what is the worst thing that could happen, so they get mad, your Mom would find a way to see you anyway. Be firm not arrogant when you tell them, like your minds or made up, don't ask, but you would like their approval but if not, let them know you are going to do it anyway. Be mature--he is just a man--he is used to command and old habits die hard. Again, if it were me and like I said, but if the man my daughter was going to marry came to us like a scared wimp, I wouldn't care for that. I had rather he say M. and Mrs . orJoe and Betty, Erin and I have decided to get married and we wanted you to be the first we told. Simple, keep it simple. And remember when you have children (if you want kids) he will be putty in your hands. Hope so anyway. May not be right just some observations. Good luck.But I do know if you present someone with something already settled and done and do not ask for help or t heir opinion it takes away the chance of giving them anything to say. Don't ask opinions. Just do.
I had to go through the same thing with my mom. The longer you wait, the greater the anxiety is, building up. Just do it. Its like jumping in a pool of cold water. The way I did it, I was pretty much just sitting around, I had been engaged for a few weeks and decided to snap out of my fears. My mom was in the bathroom doing her hair. I just went in there and held my hand out, with my ring on. She looked at it, looked away from me, gave me her usual speech, and it was over. She has accepted the fact that it is happening. Your dad actually sounds a lot scarier, but its still something you need to approach with confidence and assertiveness.
The devil isn't that scary, once you know how to deal with him.





He's only scary because you allow him to be.





If he knows what buttons to push, then 'cut the switch' on those buttons, like an electrician snipping a wire. You're right ... he knows exactly how to play you, so stop letting him.





Be different.





Stop cow-towing to him, and be less 'daddy's girl', if that's the usual role you play. Whatever you're doing, STOP it, and take a new approach.





He will never change, so you have to work within his limitations, and do a little changing yourself.





First, stop caving into him the minute he starts to growl.





Second, have as many family members around you when you tell them so that he might be less likely to spoil everyone's good time.





Also, in the next few days, why not prepare some facts and figures in black and white, print them out, and SHOW him why your guy is solid husband material. Give the regimented military man a detailed requisition for a husband, and show him all of the things that make your guy perfect for you: Salary potential, family pedigree, common interests, desire for children, no drinking or drug use (Gawd, I hope not), desire for stability ... whatever other ammo you can bring to this gunfight, bring it. Hit him with as much raw data as you can, and smile while he's reading it. Show no fear. Become stronger, and he will start respecting you. Right now, he doesn't.





My father was old-school Italian, so I know from stubborn. When you turn men like our dad's inside out, they only want for us to have a better life than they did, and they would walk through hot coals if we really needed something. They're softies inside ... somewhere. If you could find your dad's gooey cream-filled center, that might help, too.





Best of luck and thank your man for serving, and give him a *big hug* Congrats !!!